Wednesday, March 24, 2010

Swimsuits from Hades

I just returned from a 4 day trip to the "big city", and I'm still recovering from my semi-annual shopping spree. Shoes and summer clothes for the family were on the list, as well as a few items to stock up my pantry. Shopping for a new swimsuit was NOT on my list. My children wanted to take advantage of the hotel pool, and mommy forgot her suit....on purpose. However, after seeing Daddy helping the kids "swim", I realized that he needed reinforcements.

Side note: My children are "mountain kids" who don't have access to regular swimming lessons or backyard pools. In June when we fill the kiddy pool, the water coming out of the well is a brisk 34 degrees, and I have to add boiling water to it just to keep the kids from getting hypothermia. Our mountain has one pool and 5 zillion kids who need lessons, therefore our kids aren't exactly "graceful" in the water.

But I digress.....So, I decided to go shopping for a new suit. I have mostly blocked the traumatic experience from my brain, and only vaguely remember crying and muttering something to my husband about how he wrecked my body by giving me three children to give birth to and nurse...or something along those lines.

Before I ever subject myself to that horror again, I'm going to do the following:
1. Eat lettuce for 6 months
2. get a breast lift/augmentation
3. go to a tanning bed for a month
4. have a pedicure
5. get therapy

The experience was so bad that I decided to write a letter to someone about it.

Dear Swimsuit Designer,
I was recently in the market for a swimsuit, and decided to try on some of your apparel. Upon arriving in the bathing suit section, I realized that you were most certainly a male. Every swimsuit I viewed was created for a 15 year old, size Zero, Super Model from Sweden. It appears that you appreciate viewing the curves on a woman, because the fabrics were cut in such a way that very little was left to the imagination. And we have neither the time nor space to discuss the bottoms.

You're a marketing GENIUS! The less fabric your swimsuits have, the MORE they cost! How do you get people to fork over more money for less? You've got to share your secret. I also noted that after trying on many of your suits, you obviously haven't worn them either. A woman certainly couldn't swim in one without causing an unsightly "lady lump" exposure incident. In fact, the only way to keep the fabric in place would be to lay perfectly still. Perhaps that's why women sunbathe. They're all just trying to keep their "junk" in the trunk.
Please think about hiring a female to design a line of swimwear for REAL WOMEN! I would be your very fondest patron.

One Disgruntled Customer


  1. Hey Lynell, love this blog post. You should try my weight loss regiment. Pregnant at 40 weeks and only gained 7 lbs. Unless I gain 18 lbs in the next 10 days, I am going to come out of my pregnancy weighing less.

    Luv you!

  2. HAHA love this! Make that 2 disgrunted customers!!!!

  3. Ugh...I hear you! I get seriously depressed every time I put my suit on. That letter needs to be written (and I need to stick to my diet...but whatever.) ;)