You know what surprises me the most about myself? Somewhere along life's journey, I turned into a sappy little crybaby. I don't know when it happened, but one thing's for certain: if my 18 year old self could have looked into the future and would have seen how emotional I would turn out to be, I would have freaked out!!! I would have rolled my eyes, told myself to suck it up, and sworn that it couldn't be true. I was raised to be tough! I come from good stock....no sissies in my family. Quite frankly, the whole thing baffles me.
I got married, had kids, and morphed into a blubbering fool. I blamed it on the hormones, the time of the month, my allergies, and cabin fever..... anything to convince myself that I was the same old me inside. But you know what, I'm not the same old me. I never understood how much a heart could swell with love until God placed a husband and three babies in my life. My heart feels so big that it could rip out of my chest sometimes. The intensity of that emotion blind- sided me. I never saw it coming. And frankly, it's a little unnerving to me.
I still can't get used to the idea that I'm a softy now. I cry about EVERYTHING!!! Hallmark cards, country songs, and commercials about homeless pets. I looked at a picture of my daughter with her butt crack peeking out of the top of her diaper and I got teary- eyed just thinking about how she's grown. If I see a movie about old people, I think of my Beloved, and get all sentimental. I say, "That's gonna be us some day, Love!" I saw a 75 year old couple riding down the road in a pick- up truck and the little old lady was sitting in the middle, right next to her hubby like they were a courting couple. I cried instantly. I want to do that when I'm old too!
It's really embarrassing when I cry in front of my kids. If a song or a passage of scripture really speaks to me on Sunday morning, I choke back the tears. Then my kids start the interrogation. They say, "Mom, what's the matter with you? Do you feel sick? Do you need a Kleenex? Was someone mean to you?" I tell them it's allergies. They wouldn't understand....I really don't even understand it. It still feels foreign to me and it's been happening for ten years now! All I know is that it's embarrassing, it's unpredictable, and it happens at the most inopportune times.
I only see it getting worse with age. The more I understand about God, the more overwhelmed with gratitude I feel. I have such a blessed life, and have so much more than I deserve. The vast scope of God's creation is so huge that I can't wrap my brain around it, and yet, he loves and cares about me, a speck of dirt in the grand scheme of things. The more I understand about God's standard of uncompromising Holiness, the more I understand about His grace. And grace is a mind blowing concept! There's a quote from Francis Chan that says it perfectly. "Your forgiveness is SO good that I struggle with believing it at times". It makes me overwhelmed with emotion when I think about it. My favorite song line says it so well. "How deep the Father's love for us, how vast beyond all measure, that He would give His only son, to make a wretch his treasure." It tears me up again and again and again.
My deepening understanding of the fragility of life, the Greatness of God, and the selfless love God instilled in me for my family, makes me realize that sometimes, the only appropriate corresponding reaction involves tears......or pretending I have something stuck in my eyes. :)