I was innocently looking at my Dad's cell phone, wanting to make a phone call from it, and I made the most shocking, and appalling discovery...I am #8 on my Dad's speed dial. My brother is #4.....#4!!!! What does this all mean? I'll tell you. He's four numbers above me in importance. Do you want to know what's worse? My husband is #5.
The first thing I did was confront my dad.
"Dad, what gives? Why am I #8 on your speed dial?....and more importantly, why is my lil' brother # 4?"
"You never answer your phone...that's why!"
"Whatever. It doesn't matter if I never answer my phone...that's not the issue here. The issue is that my little brother is more important to you by 4 whole numbers....and my husband is more important by 3 whole numbers. What does this say about my standing in the family? What does this say about my standing in the big paper (the will)? What does this say about our relationship? I'm your first born, and your only daughter for crying out loud! I've birthed three grandchildren for you from my loins! I inherited your deformed little toe.....and this is what I get? #8???? I want to be moved up to #3."
"No. You never answer your phone."
"Switch me to #4, and move my brother to #8. That's my final offer."
"No. I already have it memorized. You're 8, your husband's 5, your brother's 4."
I was crushed. Devastated. Rejected. Alone in this world....without a "phone a-friend" to talk to. So I did what any wounded daughter would do....I went crying to my mother. Then I checked her phone. It was like a knife to the heart. I am speed dial #5 on her phone. My brother....speed dial #4.
"Mom, I was upset when I found out that I was #8 on Dad's speed dial, but this? I never expected this from you. You call me EVERY day. I should be higher up on the speed dial than my brother. It's all so disappointing to me."
"Nell, wait....I can explain. Your DAD programmed my speed-dial. Do you actually think I'd know how to do something like that?"
Of course Dad programmed it. I should have known he was behind this. I knew Mom wouldn't do something so cruel and heartless. How could I ever have doubted her?
As for my Dad....well, every time I don't answer my phone he leaves me a message saying that he's going to take me off of speed dial all together! Can you believe it? I can't help it if I'm incredibly busy. I can't hear the phone when I'm mowing the lawn, or vacuuming the house, or starting a load of laundry. Those 3 activities alone account for 65% of my daily activities. My dad insists that I put my cell phone in some sort of holster, but it would scratch up my cowhide bling belt. Then he wants me to keep it in my pocket, but I think it will make me look fat. Sometimes my cellphone goes missing for hours. Sometimes I put it on vibrate for church on Sunday, and don't remember to take it off of vibrate until Tuesday. Then I say to myself, " No wonder it's been such a quiet week."
If moving up in the speed dial line means having to answer your phone...then I'm doomed. My Dad says my husband might even move up to #4 because he ALWAYS answers his phone. He says, "Your husband could be in Mongolia and he'd still be answering his phone. He's always reachable." Well, I guess I'll have to settle for #8 then. You can't have everything.........Eight's a nice round number, right?