Monday, August 1, 2011

I hate Dog Hair.

My old dog is Guinness Book of World Records hairy. And he's shedding. Really bad. In fact, I'm convinced that 97.3% of his dog food intake is going straight to fur production.

The sheer volume and magnitude of fur that is being shed right now is overwhelming. It's gargantuan, preposterous, and maddening!

I love my dog. I hate his fur.

Because of my deep devotion and unconditional love, I allow my dog inside my home. But because of my hatred for his fur, I vacuum and dust religiously every day.

And I own "The Furminator".

"The Furminator" is the only weapon I have in my arsenal for combating the hair monster. It's like a grooming comb and blade that pulls out the undercoat of beasts.  Every time I use my secret weapon, I fill a grocery sack with hair.  But my dog's hair growth is so prolific that even "The Furminator" can't keep up with it.  When my dog sees me approaching with my secret weapon, he diverts the eyes and tries to make a quick get-away.

In between grooming sessions, I find myself picking small chunks of loose fur off of him the way that primates pick fleas off of each other's backs. It's like an obsession.  When my dog was young and vibrant, I didn't have to worry about any of this nonsense.  He practically lived in the back of the truck.  Traveling down the highway at 65mph blows all of the offending fur right off of him. Cars traveling in our wake probably had to use the windshield wipers to clear the flying fur away, but it was an effective grooming method.

Gone are the days of wind grooming in the back of the truck.  Now Boone is too old to jump in, and whenever I have to lift him in the truck, my outfit gets covered in dog hair. Needless to say, his riding time has been greatly diminished, but I do occasionally give in to his sad eyes and sacrifice my outfit to put him in the back of the truck.  If it weren't for the invention of the lint roller, I'd never be able to show my face in public again.

Just writing this blog about dog hair is making my nose twitch. That's how much I hate fur.

I hate dog fur in the spring.
I hate dog fur in the fall.
I hate dog fur in the winter.
I hate dog fur most of all. 

I do not like it in the park.
I do not like it in the dark.
I do not like green eggs and ham.
I do not like them Sam I am!

Wait. What?!? ( Sorry. I got a little carried away there.)

My sister-in-law made the observation that our entire family has a tendency to stretch the truth about some things when we're telling stories. I like to think of it as merely using my all-time favorite literary device of "hyperbole" to get the point across.

Hyperbole - "Obvious and intentional exaggeration. An extravagant statement or figure of speech not intended to be taken literally.

This blog post, for instance, is a great example of a "hyperbole".

I would just like to end with one last statement:

I hate dog hair.

Thank you.

Hyperbolizing the world, one blog at a time,



  1. This made my morning. That last line is priceless!
    Boone does look guilty in the photo, but I'm sure he can't help it. ;)

  2. One reason we raise poodles. No shedding. Had my granddaughters dog for 5 months last year when they moved back to Michigan untikl they got a place and she shed. I think I was still vacing hair from her a weeki after they took her.

    Now the only shedding hair I seem to have is from my granddaughters cat we aquired 8 years ago when she moved in with us. And he sheds a ton . We brush him regularily and it comes out by the handfull. But he just kieeps on sheding..

    Some day maybe I will be hair free.


  3. My friend uses something like a vacuum cleaner for pets. Her dog loves it. It only makes a small hum and she says it works well. Have you ever tried anything like that? I've never used it myself, but do wonder if it actually works as well as I've heard.

  4. While we lived in southern Missouri the one year our yard was was whiter in the spring when our Great Pyrenees was shedding than all winter from the little bit of snow we had.

    I'm not particularly fond of dog hair on my clothes or in my house either but if that is the only way to have our beloved canine I think it's almost worth it.


  5. You make me laugh. You make me cry. I love your style of writing. Please write a book someday. I will be first in line to purchase it. I have read your blog for a month or so. Then I go back reread everything. (I have lots of time at work) Keep me laughing

  6. I HATE DOG HAIR TOO. I can feel it all over me. In my eyes, in my mouth, on my legs. Our dog Karma is a blue heeler/australian shepherd mix and he sheds like CRAZY. Exactly as you describe. My wife is in love with him, but I'm resenting him over my being uncomfortable. She refuses to do anything to help with the hair situation and I just give up. I'm afraid I'll have to live like this forever.